Do we stereotype our roles in BDSM?

𝖣𝗎𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺 𝗋𝖾𝖼𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗌𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗍 𝗆𝗎𝗇𝖼𝗁, 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝗎𝖻𝗃𝖾𝖼𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗋𝗈𝗅𝖾𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝖡𝖣𝖲𝖬 𝖼𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝗎𝗉, 𝗌𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁𝗍-𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗏𝗈𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝖼𝗎𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇. 𝖨𝗌 𝗂𝗍 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝗇𝖾𝖼𝖾𝗌𝗌𝖺𝗋𝗒 𝗍𝗈 𝖽𝖾𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖾 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗋𝗈𝗅𝖾𝗌 𝗌𝗈 𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗂𝖽𝗅𝗒? 𝖶𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝖨 𝖿𝗂𝗋𝗌𝗍 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋𝗍𝖾𝖽 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝗅𝗈𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗄𝗂𝖾𝗋 𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝗒𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿, 𝖨 𝖺𝗌𝗌𝗎𝗆𝖾𝖽 𝖨 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖺 𝗌𝗎𝖻𝗆𝗂𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗏𝖾. 𝖯𝖾𝗋𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗌 𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝖼𝖾𝗂𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖺 𝗌𝗍𝗋𝗈𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗋𝖾𝖾𝗋 𝗐𝗈𝗆𝖺𝗇 𝖻𝗒 𝖽𝖺𝗒 𝗐𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽 𝗇𝖺𝗍𝗎𝗋𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝖼𝗋𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗈𝗉𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗂𝗍𝖾 𝖻𝗒 𝗇𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 — 𝗋𝖾𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗊𝗎𝗂𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗋𝗈𝗅 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗌𝗁𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗌𝗍. 𝖧𝗈𝗐𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋, 𝖺𝗌 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾 𝗐𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝖽 2024 𝗋𝗈𝗅𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖽 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝖿𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗁 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗏𝖾𝗌, 𝖨 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗌𝖾𝖽 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗊𝗎𝗂𝗍𝖾 𝖽𝗂𝖿𝖿𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗆𝗒𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿. 𝖳𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝖨 𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝖡𝖣𝖲𝖬 𝖽𝗒𝗇𝖺𝗆𝗂𝖼𝗌, 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖼𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗋𝖾𝗋 𝗂𝗍 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖨’𝗆 𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗎𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝖺 𝗇𝖺𝗍𝗎𝗋𝖺𝗅 𝖽𝗈𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖺𝗇𝗍. 𝖨𝗍’𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗒 𝖨 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝗆𝗎𝗇𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖾𝖼𝗍; 𝖻𝖾𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗆 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅𝗌 𝖾𝖿𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗍𝗅𝖾𝗌𝗌. 𝖥𝗋𝖺𝗇𝗄𝗅𝗒, 𝖨’𝗆 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗂𝖼𝗎𝗅𝖺𝗋𝗅𝗒 𝗀𝗈𝗈𝖽 𝖺𝗍 𝗍𝖺𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗋𝖽𝖾𝗋𝗌 — 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝖨’𝗏𝖾 𝗒𝖾𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝗆𝖾𝖾𝗍 𝖺 𝖣𝗈𝗆 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗐𝗁𝗈𝗆 𝖨 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖾𝖼𝗍 𝖽𝖾𝖾𝗉𝗅𝗒 𝖾𝗇𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝗍𝗈 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗍𝖺𝖻𝗅𝖾 𝗌𝗎𝖻𝗆𝗂𝗍𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀. 𝖳𝗁𝖾 𝗂𝖽𝖾𝖺 𝗈𝖿 𝖻𝖾𝗂𝗇𝗀 “𝗈𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗄𝗇𝖾𝖾𝗌” 𝖽𝗈𝖾𝗌𝗇’𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝖾𝖺𝗌𝗂𝗅𝗒 𝗍𝗈 𝗆𝖾; 𝖨’𝖽 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗄 𝗅𝗈𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖽 𝖻𝖾𝖿𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝗌𝗎𝗋𝗋𝖾𝗇𝖽𝖾𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗂𝗇 𝗌𝗎𝖼𝗁 𝖺 𝗐𝖺𝗒. 𝖡𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝖺𝗀𝖺𝗂𝗇, 𝗂𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗐𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝖨 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗌𝗍𝖾𝖽 𝗂𝗆𝗉𝗅𝗂𝖼𝗂𝗍𝗅𝗒, 𝗌𝗎𝗋𝗋𝖾𝗇𝖽𝖾ring 𝗆𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝖺𝗇 𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝖼𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗌𝗂𝖻𝗂𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗒 — 𝖺 𝗀𝗂𝖿𝗍 𝗋𝖺𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇 𝖺𝗇 𝗈𝖻𝗅𝗂𝗀𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇.

𝖱𝖾𝖿𝗅𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗃𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖾𝗒 𝖨’𝗏𝖾 𝗈𝖻𝗌𝖾𝗋𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝖺 𝖿𝖺𝗌𝖼𝗂𝗇𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖾𝗏𝗈𝗅𝗎𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁𝗍, 𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗂𝖼𝗎𝗅𝖺𝗋𝗅𝗒 𝗋𝖾𝗀𝖺𝗋𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗋𝗈𝗅𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝖺 𝖽𝗈𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖺𝗍𝗋𝗂𝗑 𝗈𝗋 𝗀𝗈𝖽𝖽𝖾𝗌𝗌. 𝖳𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗇𝖼𝗅𝗂𝗇𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗈 𝖾𝗆𝖻𝗋𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝗌𝗎𝖼𝗁 𝖺𝗇 𝗂𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗍𝗒 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗌𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖻𝖾𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺 𝗀𝗈𝗈𝖽 𝖣𝗈𝗆𝗆𝖾 𝗂𝗌 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗅𝗒 𝖺𝗇 𝖺𝗋𝗍 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗆. 𝖨𝗍’𝗌 𝖿𝖺𝗋 𝗋𝖾𝗆𝗈𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝗎𝗉𝖾𝗋𝖿𝗂𝖼𝗂𝖺𝗅 𝗂𝗆𝖺𝗀𝖾𝗋𝗒 𝗈𝖿 𝗐𝗁𝗂𝗉𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗌; 𝗋𝖺𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋, 𝗂𝗍 𝗂𝗇𝗏𝗈𝗅𝗏𝖾𝗌 𝖺𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝗋𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝗅𝗈𝗋𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗇𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋’𝗌 𝗉𝗌𝗒𝖼𝗁𝖾, 𝗎𝗇𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒 𝗆𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗇 𝖻𝖾 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗆𝗌𝖾𝗅𝗏𝖾𝗌. 𝖨𝗆𝗉𝗈𝗋𝗍𝖺𝗇𝗍𝗅𝗒, 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝖽𝗒𝗇𝖺𝗆𝗂𝖼 𝗇𝖾𝖾𝖽 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖼𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗋𝖾 𝖺𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖽 𝗌𝖾𝗑 — 𝗆𝖺𝗇𝗒 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝖿𝖾𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝖽𝗈𝗆𝗆𝖾𝗌 𝖽𝗈 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖾𝗇𝗀𝖺𝗀𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝗌𝖾𝗑𝗎𝖺𝗅 𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗏𝗂𝗍𝗂𝖾𝗌 𝖺𝗍 𝖺𝗅𝗅. 𝖯𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗈𝗇𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒, 𝖨 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗏𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗎𝗋𝖾 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝗈 𝖥𝗂𝗇𝖣𝗈𝗆 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝖨 𝖽𝗈 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗇𝖾𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖺𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗂𝖺𝗅 𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗌𝖾𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝖽𝖾𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗍𝗁; 𝖨 𝖺𝗆 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝖿𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗅𝗒 𝖼𝖺𝗉𝖺𝖻𝗅𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝖺𝖼𝗊𝗎𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖨 𝖽𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗋𝖾 𝗈𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗈𝗐𝗇 𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗆𝗌. 𝖳𝗁𝖺𝗍’𝗌 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝗆𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝖨’𝗆 𝖺𝗍 𝖺 𝗉𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗍 𝗂𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝖨 𝖼𝖺𝗇 𝖻𝖾 𝗂𝗇𝖽𝖾𝗉𝖾𝗇𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗍.

“At the core of any relationship — vanilla, kinky, friendly, casual, or even professional — is an “exchange of power.”

𝖥𝗈𝗋 𝗆𝖾, 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖽𝗒𝗇𝖺𝗆𝗂𝖼𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝗋𝗈𝗅𝖾𝗌 𝗅𝗂𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖾𝖽 𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗌𝖾𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝗍𝗐𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝖣𝖮𝖬/𝖲𝖴𝖡 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝗎𝗍𝗎𝖺𝗅 𝗃𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖾𝗒 𝗈𝖿 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝖼𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒 𝗂𝗍 𝖾𝗇𝗍𝖺𝗂𝗅𝗌. 𝖨 𝖻𝖾𝗅𝗂𝖾𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖻𝖾 𝖺 𝗈𝗇𝖾-𝗌𝗂𝗓𝖾-𝖿𝗂𝗍𝗌-𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗉𝗅𝖺𝗒𝖻𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗌𝗎𝖼𝗁 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌. 𝖠 𝗀𝗈𝗈𝖽 𝖽𝗈𝗆𝗆𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝖻𝖾 𝖺𝖻𝗅𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖿𝗅𝗈𝗐 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗂𝗍. 𝖨𝗇𝗌𝗍𝖾𝖺𝖽, 𝖨 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗌𝖾 𝖽𝗒𝗇𝖺𝗆𝗂𝖼𝗌 𝖺𝗌 𝖺 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝖿𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖽 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗆 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖺𝗉𝗒 — 𝖺 𝗎𝗇𝗂𝗊𝗎𝖾 𝗌𝗉𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖾𝖼𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖾𝗏𝗈𝗅𝗏𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝖾𝗇𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝖾𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗋𝖺𝗇𝗌𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗆𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌. This transition of thought led me to the realisation that, within the spectrum of power dynamics, each of us has an inclination towards expressing one side more prominently than the other. It’s not about one being superior or inferior; it’s about what feels right for each person. Let there be no shame in that.

BDSM relationships can be particularly satisfying because, when consciously formed, there is direct and ongoing communication about roles and responsibilities.

Over the past few days, I’ve become increasingly aware of my more dominant side coming forward. Interestingly, this shift resonates with my partner — I see that sparkle in his eyes and I know he loves it! The way he reacts when I push his buttons is telling; he’s trying to maintain his composure knowing full well I might just grant him a week of abstinence if he pushes me too far. Behave! I smile. For me, domination isn’t about being a bitch — often a misconception associated in this colourful world. It’s about finding that sweet spot where I am determined to guide my partner into subspace — a sacred space between us. I’m still learning but have come to appreciate this opportunity as a gift. I can not wait to transports him away from his vanilla world where all worries fade away and he belongs to no one but me for a few hours.

“When a man truly loves a woman she becomes his weakness. When a woman truly loves a man he becomes her strength. This is called Exchange of Power.”

However, I must share that there are moments when I choose to surrender to him (even if I’ve made it challenging at times). He will literally unwrap me as I surrender myself to him, becoming his toy for him to do as he wishes. This fluidity is what makes our interactions so engaging; it’s not about locking into one role but exploring possibilities together. I think many of us entering relationships do not really let go of our sexual guard completely. It’s important to explore both the body and mind, because only then can you feel truly connected.

I love power play, and the truth is, power dynamics is everywhere in our lives — in politics, work relationships, even doctor/patient scenarios — and our personal relationships is no different. If this is true, and it is, then this fluidity and versatility adds depth ensuring that two people evolve rather than stagnate. Perhaps then our divorce rates won’t be so high. I feel that these roles reinforce trust and connection between us, making every experience unique. At the end of the day, whether I peg him, tweak his nipples, or make him kiss my feet, I do this out of adoration, and his actions are his kink language of love. This journey has taken time for me to process, especially in areas of surprises. I have learnt to allow him to perform these random acts of kindness or task because it is his way of showing love. The exploration of BDSM, kinks, and fetishes is fundamentally for me about embracing the freedom to discover where we truly belong within this diverse landscape of desires and connections. Instead of being confined by predefined roles or rigid expectations, remember that if change is the most permanent thing in life, what you desire today may change. So, I say, no way is the way! Get out of the box!