Distinguishing Fantasy from Ownership in Collaring

To me, the collar is one of the most potent symbols within a power dynamic, a badge that deserves far more respect than it often receives in mainstream BDSM culture. Its significance lies not in the leather or metal itself, but in the lived-in power dynamic and connection it represents. Perhaps not everyone will agree with me, but I firmly believe you cannot truly collar someone in a week or a month. For me, the act of collaring is not simply an accessory to a scene; it is the ceremonial sealing of a foundation built over time, typically a year or more.

This period is essential because it is the investment in the behind-the-scenes work of the dynamic: learning the intricate map of a submissive's psyche, their triggers and joys, their hard and soft limits, and, most importantly investing in the trust that allows them to surrender fully. The collar, then, becomes an honour to that journey of discovery, a kink commitment that marks a formal agreement extending far beyond the dungeon walls. It is where the dynamic comes alive whenever we interact. Remembering that the act of collaring needs to be agreed and as much as the action of a Domme collaring a Submissive they too need to feel and learn.

This is why I find it crucial to categorise collars and clearly communicate their meanings, to prevent the action from being mistaken for full ownership. The highest point of this is the Collar of Ownership, which should never be given lightly. This collar is the direct opposite of what is often depicted in porn, where it serves as a prop for fantasy. Instead, the ownership collar is the physical embodiment of a shared Dom/sub narrative. It upholds a sacred commitment to our roles—a promise of dominance that is responsible and a submission that is protected. It signifies a vow to co-explore the depths of the dynamic with care, to honor established boundaries, and to create a safety so absolute that vulnerability becomes a strength. It is the ultimate declaration that the Dom/sub synergy is solid and that both parties are dedicated to the journey they have embarked upon together. The submissive must feel this depth of commitment unequivocally. This brings me to a recent story where I sent my submissive for a session with another Domme. She wished to collar him, but he confidently refused, stating, "I am only to be collared by my Queen." His understanding of the symbol’s weight was very clear.

Perhaps to reach this peak, the path can begin with a more transitional collars. The Training Collar, for instance, is a vital tool for managing expectations and providing a clear structure. Its symbolism is powerful but time-bound; it acts as a key, turning the lock from everyday life into a sub space for a designated period, perhaps a few hours.

During this time, it offers a taste of ownership and control, a focused commitment where the submissive's time and mind belong to the Domme. However, once removed, its obligations are dissolved. This distinction is not merely semantic; it is a necessary ethical practice. For me, making this distinction is my responsibility. It ensures that the submissive can trust the progression, understanding that a training collar carries a different significance, and that the ultimate honour of the ownership collar is reserved for a connection built over time. Perhaps I am old school but I do feel that it important to honour the collars symbolism.