A Reflection On Shame

In the BDSM community, I encounter people with every kind of kink and fetish imaginable. Often, I hear stories of these desires remaining hidden, or there is a strong curiosity to experience, to learn, to listen. This has led me to reflect on our sexual secrets—the ones we hide from others and, more importantly, the ones we hide from ourselves or have lived in the shadows for years.

This may explain why Fet and X has gained such popularity; it offers a platform where individuals can share aspects of themselves that remain hidden in their professional or family lives. After all, we aren't going to discuss the desire for the sweet torment of placing a sub in chastity at a boardroom meeting, or the wish for a new pair of Louboutins to trample your subs in at the family dining table.

It made me reflect on why this is the case and how many of us might be concealing our deepest desires, not only from others but also from ourselves. This concealment may not solely be about conforming to societal norms but could also involve an element of shame. What happens when we bury a part of who we are so deeply that we even try to forget it's there? We suppress these desires, kinks, and fetishes, perhaps out of fear—fear of judgment, rejection, or even the thought that something might be fundamentally wrong with us.

We tell ourselves we can still live authentically, but the truth is, that shame becomes a burden. A heavy weight on our shoulders. And the consequence is a painful one: our connections with others, and even with ourselves, become less.

What is this sexual shame, really? I think its roots are often in childhood. We learn, directly and indirectly, what is "right" and "wrong." We are conditioned by religion, by social norms, by the unspoken rules of our families. Shame becomes tangled up with our sense of being worthy of love and belonging. So when we have desires that don't fit the mainstream, we instinctively feel that we will be cast out because of them.

This leads to secrecy. We build walls to shield and protect ourselves, to feel safe. But what really happens is that we create barriers. And the more we solidify these secrets, the more shame we cultivate. It’s a vicious cycle: secrecy breeds shame, shame breeds isolation.

Perhaps that’s why a place like this feels so significant. For many of us, this becomes the space where we can finally take down those barriers. This is where we can confront the conflict that shame creates within us.

Of course, we may always keep this part of ourselves private from family or the wider world; not everything needs to be broadcast. But here, this should be a sanctuary. A safe space to just be. My guiding principle, forged through engaging with so many people and their kinks, is simple: as long as it's safe, sane, and consensual—do what floats your boat.

In a world so fractured and loud, so polarised and conflicting, you will find a different reality here with me. Those who choose to engage, to step into this space, will be heard. I will listen. I will not judge.

Remember, whatever you desire, you are not alone. Someone, somewhere, shares your thoughts.